Text Messages Count
Be careful what you send.
I dated a guy who in-person was absolutely awesome. Fun. Engaging. Boy, did we laugh and enjoy ourselves.
But on nights when we were apart and he would have a little alcohol, his text messages would get pretty nasty.
All under the guise of “being honest,” I would be told in no uncertain terms what was wrong with me and what I needed to work on.
When we would get back together and I tried to mention the texts, he’d brush them off as a misunderstanding and didn’t want to talk about it. There was plenty of gaslighting, too.
Good times.
The Jekyll and Hyde crap eventually became way too much and I knew, deep in my gut, that I couldn’t trust him. So the relationship crumbled.
But I think it highlights an interesting facet of dating in today’s world (beyond the toxic bullshit of his drinking and control issues): text messages.
He seemed to have this odd idea that his hurtful text messages didn’t count and couldn’t understand why they were so upsetting to me.
Full disclosure: he was older and grew up in a time way before the internet and emails and cyber discussions.
It sometimes makes me wonder if people who came of age in the days of Atari and rotary telephones attached to the wall or even radio shows and television with its handful of channels tend to look at the current technology as just a fun little lark and nothing of real substance.
The protection of the screen — of not being face-to-face with someone — allows people to type something that they would never normally say out loud. This instantaneous communication makes it all too easy to hit the send button without really considering what you’re putting out there.
In my more lucid moments I have a feeling he was just an asshole. After all, not all Boomers or Gen Xers are incapable of cyber decency and I know that painting an entire group with the same brush is as unfair as it is utterly wrong.
It’s just that stupid part of me that fell in love with him trying to make asinine excuses for his shitty behavior.
Sigh. Why do I keep doing that? And when will I learn?
It does, however, bring up an interesting point: has our new technology given us yet another avenue for shining the spotlight on toxic people?
Go with me on this one for a second.
Typing behind a screen makes it real easy for a knee-jerk reaction to go out over the network super fast — especially for people with impulse control issues to begin with.
And yes, it’s easy to say after the fact, “Oh, I shouldn’t have said that,” but if it keeps happening and knee-jerk reactions continue to be sent, doesn’t that start to say something about the person hitting send?
Don’t you have to wonder how much the person really cares if he or she keeps sending messages that require an apology?
I know I sure did.
What if texts and emails and Facebook comments are just another lens through which we can spot someone who, despite all the in-person fun you have, might lean just a little more into the toxic realm than is truly healthy? Or good for you?
The bottom line to all of this is that words are words and they have power whether they’re spoken, written by hand or typed onto a screen.
When we hear words, we have a reaction and when we read words, we also react.
I can’t tell you how many times I type out a text only to erase the entire thing because, quite frankly, I ask myself, “Would you say that out loud?”
If my answer is “no,” then I don’t hit send.
I think it behooves us all to take the time to really consider what we say, write or type before putting or sending something out there that could really do some damage and hurt other people.
How we treat others — either in-person, on paper or on a screen — says a lot about who we are and even if it comes from the seeming anonymity of a text message, it still counts.
